Insight on Boundary Setting from a Sarasota, FL Counseling Center
Introduction
As a child, you may have been taught that “saying no” or, not hugging certain family members or, not listening to adults means you’re selfish, bad, or disrespectful. This is common and often, parents are unaware of how damaging this can be. Many people bring this mentality into adulthood and get similar feelings of being “selfish” or, “bad” when setting boundaries or, saying no. There are many side effects of not setting boundaries that we will discuss later in the article. You will also learn the importance of boundary setting and what it means for your mental health. If you or someone you know needs additional support with boundary setting and the beliefs that go along with setting boundaries, schedule a session with Burch Tree Counseling Center, by clicking the link below.
From an early age we're often taught that setting boundaries is wrong.
When we are young, we are often taught that setting boundaries is wrong or, selfish. For example, imagine as a child that your parent or caregiver told you to kiss and hug your aunt and uncle goodbye after a family gathering. You politely say, “No thanks, I’d rather not". Your caregiver then says, “hug and kiss them goodbye, stop being rude”. This communicates to a child that setting boundaries and saying “no” is wrong and makes people feel bad. Often, children bring this same feeling with them to adulthood and issues arise throughout life because of this difficulty in saying “no”. This can lead to feelings of guilt when we consider setting boundaries later in life because it's something that was ingrained in our psyche from an early age: "Setting boundaries is wrong, selfish, and bad."
However, boundary setting isn't selfish—it’s actually a good thing and can prevent us from being taken advantage of, being mistreated, being exposed to repetitive hurt, and becoming stressed or burnt-out! Relevant to boundary setting, the airplane analogy describes the importance pertinent to stress and burnout. One of the first things flight attendants tell someone on an airplane is to put the oxygen mask on themselves before children. This is because people have made the mistake of putting the mask on the child or infant first, they pass out, and both individuals are unable to be helped. This represents how important it is to have a full cup before helping or, saying yes to another-which goes hand in hand with setting certain types of boundaries. Some people say “yes” to everyone when they don’t have any more to give due to feeling “bad” or “wrong” for saying “no”. Remember, when you say “yes” to someone when you don’t have a full cup you are really saying “no” to yourself and sacrificing a little piece of your happiness.
What are the benefits of setting boundaries?
Boundaries give you more energy to be there for others when they need it and for yourself. You will on average have a less stressed and overwhelmed feeling when setting boundaries because the situation is more balanced between everyone involved.
People who set boundaries are said to be happier than those who don't set them because they are fulfilling their own needs first before another person’s, less likely to be taken advantage of, and are said to have higher self-esteem.
Are boundaries healthy?
Healthy boundaries are respectful, kind and in your own best interest. They are also fair to others. Boundaries reflect a sense of self-worth because they are based on knowing what you need in order to feel happy and safe.
Boundaries aren't about being rigid or unkind; they're about being firm with yourself so that you don't give away things that could cause harm (or make you unhappy). For example: if someone asks for money from you every time they see you, then having an agreement around this with them would be good for both parties involved (and could save one person from feeling like a charity case).
Unhealthy boundaries are rigid or porous. Rigid boundaries look like avoiding intimacy, not developing close relationships, not asking for help, being detached from friends or partners, and keeping others at a distance. Porous boundaries look like oversharing personal information when you just met someone, not being able to say “no”, making other people’s problems your own, overvaluing other people’s opinions of you, accepting abuse and disrespect from other people, and fearing abandonment if you don’t comply with other people.
Healthy boundaries give you more energy to be there for others when they need it.
You can't give to others if you don't have anything left to give. You can't be there for someone else, if you're not taking care of yourself.
When we set healthy boundaries, we are taking the time and energy needed to be our best selves so that when people come into our lives, we are able to give them 100% without feeling drained or worn out from our own lives. When your needs are met then you can better serve others' needs as well!
Examples of boundaries.
Boundaries are a way of setting limits and creating an atmosphere of safety in your relationships. They can be physical, intellectual, emotional, sexual, and material.
Physical boundaries are related to physical touch. What are your physical boundaries? How close is too close? An example of someone violating your physical boundary would be a family member coming to your home, unannounced, and rummaging through your things.
Intellectual boundaries are related to thoughts, ideas, opinions, and beliefs. Having healthy intellectual boundaries means being able to share your opinions and ideas without fear of other’s rejecting you or not. It also means respecting other people’s opinions and ideas and realizing that we are all different.
Emotional boundaries refer to a person’s feelings and emotions. Having healthy emotional boundaries means limiting yourself on what to share and what not to share relevant to the closeness of the relationship. For example, if you just met someone you might not want to tell them your whole life story and the intimate details of your sex-life. Sharing these details gradually emerge as the relationship develops.
Sexual boundaries look like having an understanding of what you and your partner are willing to except relevant to intimacy. You should always respect your partner’s limitations and stick to your own.
Material boundaries are what you are willing and not willing to share with others. For example, it might not be the best idea to lend your car to someone you just met.
Time boundaries are the amount of time you are willing to spare for personal time. If there is an imbalance relevant to your work/personal life-this one might need some work.
Conclusion
Setting healthy boundaries can be difficult, but worth it. It might feel “weird” and “uncomfortable” at first but, with practice these feelings will subside. It's important to remember that you are not being selfish, wrong, or bad if you set boundaries. You’re actually advocating for yourself. In fact, by doing so you're showing and teaching other people how they are allowed to treat you. If you are a Florida resident and are having difficulty with boundary setting-you can schedule an appointment with Burch Tree Counseling Center by clicking the link below.
